Matters of the heart

Recently I got an e-mail from a friend saying this:

"Hey Jess, So two questions:

1) When you were not a Christian, why weren't you? haha, i know, weird question. But even if you had heard about church and God, why wasn't it attractive to you personally? Obviously, God revealed himself, i know that, but from your point of view, what do you think?

2) What made it "click?" When you accepted Christ, why did you? And why did you want to continue pursuing him?"

You know, its funny because I've been thinking about this lately and haven't gotten to a solid conclusion, lol, but now that I'm asked...

1) Haha, well, I've found some old stuff that I had saved from when I was younger, like journals from high school, or religion books from catholic elementary school. I had questions about God and christian living (haha, some of the questions I read recently and I'm like, DANG, That's a good question!!!) alot of those questions never got answered.
I dabbled in youth group, but never felt like I got anything out of it and couldn't connect easily with anyone there, I didn't feel like I belonged or was getting anywhere--like growing spiritually. My family doesn't bring up in conversation really what they believe and most of my extended family either doesn't really go to church or only attends catholic mass on sundays. I don't know what it was, if it was because of being an only child, but I kept to myself a lot in high school. My family, especially my cousins were my friends since they all lived close by. I mean I did make some good friends that I still keep in touch with and I had some christian acqauintances, but I can't think of even one person who befriended me on a deep level or really even on a personal level who was following Christ.

Or maybe it was because for some reason it was hard for me to let people inside my heart and I guess I really never let Christ into my heart either--I didn't know that God wanted to be a part of my life and I definitely didn't think God could be my most intimate and best friend. I think in general my unrealistic optimism (lol, surprise surprise), slight arrogance, overall ignorance especially about spiritual and Godly stuff, all combined with a lot of impatience in my youth kept me from a lot of things, one of them being God! Phew, how's all that for an answer? (I feel like I just psychoanalyzed myself, lol).

2) I think it all "clicked" because a lot of things came crashing down and weighing on my heart heavy at the time. It wasn't just one thing. I mean I had just ended a relationship (although not serious, it wasn't the best ending), the so called friends that I had made didn't really care about me, they just wanted someone to be rebellious with and have fun with, I had gone against so much of what my parents had taught me over that past year, I was about to launch myself into hard core studying for the next 7 years or so for a career I basically just wanted for the prestige and money, and somehow in the back of my mind I think I knew deep down that God really did exist and that he really did care.

And then all in a matter of a few weeks that all changed! You know about finding the rock...(I found a rock on the beach when I was a little girl that has James 1:2-4 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%201:2-4&version=47 )
painted on it with a lighthouse, and "This is just for you who finds this." Then I refound it around the same time that all of that stuff I just mentioned was going on...crazy. I know.) Anyways, I think it scared and excited me at the same time, cause I sensed God was wanting something, and the thing is, I didn't know God really (Pretty scary when you think he's trying to tell you something!!!). So, I showed up at cru bible study to find out some more about God stuff, and ended up making friends who didn't just love me and leave me. I came to trust my friend, who took me out to coffee and shared what God had been doing in her life. She was so real about it and through all the crap in her past and family, she had real joy. I was blown away. Then when she shared the gospel, I trusted her and I knew that she believed it to her core...and so did the others. Then for the first time, I had real hope and began understanding what God had done for me and what he promised to do and I saw how in the bible and in my friend's lives that what God promises, He makes happen. And I trusted Him. It turns out my sense of God wanting something was right. He wanted my heart, because it belonged to Him. And even to this day, everyday, He likes reminding me of that. I just wish I would listen more : )

"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ." 2 Cor. 4:6

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart." Jeremiah 24:7

"Go forth and multiply on all the earth"

Good Morning!! I know that its been a while--like a month, whoops! I really do love this blogging thing, but I just wasn't motivated to keep it updated whenever I actually had time to. I've been thinking this morning, I have all of this knowledge and what feels like a TON of resources, what should I do with it?

A lot of my prayers have been looking like this: "Lord, will you bless this, will you bless that, will you give me this, will you give my friend that, will you show me what I should do....etc." Ouch. If I was really listening to God respond to those prayers, He might say something like, "JESS!!! I love you, and there are bigger things you could ask for! I know what you need before you even ask for it! Look at Revelation 7:9, that is what I'm doing in the world!!! Pray and ask me to send more laborers for the harvest, its so PLENTIFUL!!! (Matt. 9:37-38) I've chosen to call you my beloved daughter. Your responsibility is to make me known so that my salvation will reach the ends of the earth (Is. 49:6). As the waters cover the sea, so will the knowledge of my Glory be on all the earth!!! (Hab. 2:14)."

Whoa, I needed to hear that from Him. He believes in me, he believes and purposes to use me to make a difference in the world. Its not so much that I love Him, but HE LOVES me. Its for His glory. So, I was thinking, how can I make Him known and make the biggest impact?

I'll let Paul tell you, "You then, my son, be strong in the grace (humility and graciousness) that is in Christ Jesus. And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will be qualified to teach others." 2 Timothy 2:1-2

So all along when Jesus says, "...therefore, go and make disciples of all nations..." I was thinking addition, lets add to our numbers. But that's not what he meant. He meant multiplication to God's kingdom.

I kind of like to visualize it as tossing a stone in water...as the ripples get further away from the place the stone entered the water, the bigger the ripple gets. I want my life to be that stone. For the glory of God. That is what its all about.